An Act of Desperation
by LittleDragon
Summary: Voldemort wants to find his soulmate, but is speeddating really the right way to go about it?
1. Chapter 1

**Note:** This is a nice idea I had while at work! Enjoy! Oh yeah, and things in italics are Voldemort's thoughts.

Lord Voldemort had everything anyone could ever want. He had power. He had wealth. He had numerous antiques of great value. He was the leader of a multitude of fanatic groupies. He was rich and people feared him. Plus, he was practically immortal. But he lacked one thing that every man, no matter how powerful he is and how many fanatic groupies he leads, wants. And that was a girl. The one who would stand by his every decision and stick up for him when everyone else wants him dead. Which, by the way, was pretty much now.

It wasn't as though he hadn't tried to get a date, either. Oh no. He had tried many times. Most of these attempts failed miserably and one failed so miserably that he almost cried from frustration. And in the process of these failures, he learned a few things:

Don't date girls from work. It gets awkward when you find out you weren't really a very good match. That, and the other groupies tend to get jealous.

Never date a girl who thinks she could possibly be your equal, they get really upset when you do things they couldn't even dream of doing. This usually leads to a fight that usually leads to breakups and general unhappiness.

If you think you love her, don't tell her on the first date. That's just one of those things you don't do.

And finally, internet dating services are great, but they have their downfalls. It's easy to lie on the internet, about lots of things.

In all, his experiences with the fairer sex were bad. Voldemort was worn out and ready for something to turn out in his favor. In short, he was desperate. So, when he saw the ad in the paper for "Britain's premier speed dating services," he immediately dialed the listed number and signed up for the next session.

Jump forward to Friday night.

He entered the auditorium and signed in with the attendant at the front table. There were a lot of men and women--not all of them dumpy, but a good many of them quite plain—were milling around and gathering in small groups to chat and point at various others of their liking.

The receptionist was a cheery, overly enthusiastic kind of girl. "Here you go, Mr., um . . .Voldymort. These are your evaluation sheets. You will ask your questions and mark how the woman you are talking to ranks in each category. At the end of 10 minutes, if you think you might have found a good match for yourself you are free to exchange phone numbers. Enjoy yourself, and remember that love is only a speed date away!"

It all seemed a little confusing, but as the first bell rang, he found himself a seat at place number 12 and waited for his first interview.

When she finally appeared he was surprised to find her quite attractive. He had been under the impression that only the very most desperate women went to these types of things. She wore a nice light blue suit and had her blonde hair pulled back into a professional-looking style.

"Hello. I'm sorry I'm a little bit late. I was in a board meeting that went over time. So," she looked at her sheet. "Vol-day-mort, right?"

"Actually, it's pronounced, "vol-deh-mort," but it's quite alright."

"Oh, no, I'm sorry. I guess I'm already off on the wrong foot. Well, my name is Heather. Do you want to go first or shall I?"

After a little friendly banter back and forth, it was decided that she would ask the first question. "Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Hmm," she thought a moment. "Well, do you mind smokers at all?"

"_Uh-oh. And she seemed so nice. Oh well. Pity though, really."_

"Actually yes. I would seem like the type that doesn't mind that sort of thing too much, but heh, it just sort of annoys me."

"Right, well that's not a problem. I don't smoke either."

"_She's a tricky one. I like her."_

They spoke for awhile and found that they both enjoyed being in positions of influence over others, tennis and classical music. And, at the end of the ten minute session, Voldemort was quite pleased when they both wanted each other's number.

Date number one had gone swimmingly, he thought. And he was quite ready to end it right there and ask Heather out, but he reminded himself that there could be others quite as good hiding among the group, so he decided to stay.

TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 2!


	2. Chapter 2

Date #2 was a little bit stranger. Make that a lot stranger.

When she sat down, the first things that stuck him were her many piercings.

_"Right eyebrow, left eyebrow, right nostril, both ears, 6 times. . ."_

Then he noticed her make-up. Just a little heavy on the eyeliner. And finally, he leaned back to take in the whole picture. Goth. Had to be.

"Hi. I'm Luna." Her voice--the persistently uncaring, indifferent tone—confirmed it. "I'm a goth, if you haven't noticed," Then she confirmed it. "And I don't need you or anyone else's approval."

"Um, that's. . . nice. I'm Voldemort. I control an army of fanatic minions. Glad to make your acquaintance."

"Really?" Her eyes got a bit wider and she looked just the tiniest bit interested.

"Yep."

"Cool. I bet chicks really dig that, right?"

"Um, not so much, actually."

_"God, don't look at her piercings. Just don't stare."_

"Weird." She was now leaning back in her chair and rocking out to some song that was playing in her head. "See, I would have thought a guy with lots of power could get any girl he wanted."

_"Can't. . .look away. . .have to . . . avert. . .eyes!"_

"Well, it's harder than it seems in books. So, um, do you want to have kids someday?"

"And bring another poor human being into this pointless existence?"

_"Ouch! Why didn't I see that one coming?"_

"I didn't really want kids either. How about pets? Do you have any animals?"

"I've got a black cat. I consider it my familiar. I'm not really wiccan, but I like the ideas that they have about things." She flicked her tongue lightly over her lips.

_"Tongue ring! She has a tongue ring! Don't think about the tongue ring, Voldemort. Think about bunnies and taking over the world."_

"How about you, Mr? Do you keep a lot of animals captive around the house?"

"I have a snake."

She nodded her approval. "Snakes are awesome creatures. They've got this sinister beauty about them. And people say that the devil sends them as messengers on earth."

"Interesting, I didn't know that."

_"Translation: You freak me out!"_

"Are you into bondage, Mr. Voldemort?"

"Hmm?" He had been lost in his thoughts of escape.

"You know, S&M? Kinky stuff. Balls and chains, whips, torture."

At this he grinned. "Yeah. That's kinda hot."

_"Okay, think about the tongue ring. Tongue ring and booty calls!"_

Unfortunately, before they could get any further into their interview, the gong rang the warning to get moving.

"Crap. Well, it was nice talking to you Voldie. If you ever wanna hook up or something, call me. Except on Wednesday nights. Those are my orgy nights. If you want some then, just meet me at the goth club. See, ya around big boy." And with a wave she disappeared into the crowd, leaving a piece of paper with her name and address written neatly across it. This he filed away carefully in his pocket. You never know when you might have nothing to do on a Wednesday night.

Of course, this wasn't what he had come for and Voldemort sincerely hoped that the next woman would be of a more practical sort.

TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 3!


End file.
